


this isn't real.

by BlackclawKitty19



Category: Rockman X | Mega Man X
Genre: M/M, dr. cain - Freeform, i dont even know, i wrote this bc i needed to project, living through a fictional character, none of the main boys actually die, okay look
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27973071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackclawKitty19/pseuds/BlackclawKitty19
Summary: It couldn't be real, it just couldn't. After everything that had happened, this was how it was ending? Dr. Cain was his only family left, and now...(Takes place directly after X4, and uh, I don't know I'll explain more in the notes. Point is, this is X dealing with the loss of Dr. Cain because the games never really touched on that.)
Relationships: X/Zero (Rockman)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	this isn't real.

_ It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be… _

The news reached X an hour after he had touched down from Final Weapon, his body aching and burnt. Everything about that day had been hell, and this, this had to be the cherry on top. General, Colonel, and the rest of Repliforce was gone. Zero had disappeared as soon as they had touched down. X knew what had happened up there.

Now, learning that Dr. Cain had passed during the conflict, X didn’t know what to do. At first he hadn’t moved, he just sat staring blankly at the reploid who had replaced Double as his navigator. He had heard the words, he was sure. Dr. Cain passed at 4AM that morning while he was in space.

Dr. Cain was gone. He was gone while X was away. The poor reploid who had given him the news shuffled from foot to foot as he waited for a response from X, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

X came to after a few moments, his eyes unclouding for a moment before he nodded.

“Right, thank you. For telling me. I’ll ah, let Zero know. You’re dismissed.” the words tumbled from X’s mouth without him really knowing that he was speaking them. His mind was still reeling.

He turned to walk away, feeling one tear slip down his face. He reached a hand up and wiped it away, looking at his fingers for a moment before continuing on.

X pinged Zero but got no response, which honestly didn’t surprise him. He wasn’t sure how the warbot would handle the news after all that happened. It wasn’t until X was standing outside of Zero’s room that he’d even realized he’d walked there. Why was he here?

_ Because you can’t go home, Dr. Cain is gone.  _ His mind whispered to him, sending a shiver through him.

That’s right, he couldn’t go home anymore. His only family was gone now, the only person in the world besides Zero who truly knew him had passed away. Sure, Cain Labs was still there, and he was always welcome, but it wouldn’t ever be the same again.

X shuddered, feeling the crushing loneliness of the last few days finally come crashing down on his shoulders. With a gasp, he backed away from Zero’s door, letting his back hit the wall and crumpling into a heap on the floor.

His knees pulled up into his chest as more shaky gasps left his body. Tears filled X’s eyes, but he valiantly held them back, repeating to himself that he mustn't cry.

X didn’t know how long he sat there before finding the strength to get up, his body screaming in pain as he did. He hardly acknowledged it though, because how could any of this be real? He would wake up soon, and it’d be a regular day. No war, no Sigma, no Repliforce, and no loss of Dr. Cain.

He somehow managed to wander his way to the Med Bay, letting the lifesavers and other medical reploids panic and fuss over him. He didn’t really notice them though, everything passing by in a blurry fog. It wasn’t real after all, how could it be?

X didn’t remember crawling into his recharge tube after being discharged, but he found himself lying in the dark after a few hours, sleep refusing to come. When was the last time he had seen Dr. Cain? Ah, was it weeks ago? Or years?

Didn’t he still have an unanswered message from the man? He should have answered it, should have called or texted him. Something to know he was thinking of him.

He shouldn’t have skipped out on the dinner he had been invited to, that was the last time Dr. Cain had invited him to anything. Why hadn’t he gone again? Oh, he didn’t remember. X hoped it was something important.

His gasps filled the tube again as he struggled to keep down the mounting anxiety brewing in his chest. So many regrets filled him, choking him in what-if’s and why hadn’t I’s. 

X laid there in the dark, drowning in his sorrow until he eventually fell into a restless sleep.

\----

_ Wait, why hasn’t anything gone back to normal? I thought… _

X’s heavy breathing filled the silent room. He had somehow slept in until 2 in the afternoon, which was strange because he was sure he had woken several times before that. And nothing had changed, everything was still the same.

X’s armor sat in the corner of the room, discarded and forgotten when he had returned. Looking at it now filled X with a kind of dread. He wouldn’t wear it today.

With a mechanical efficiency, X got out of his recharge tube, got dressed in casual clothes, and left his room. His feet followed the way to the Command Center where the newest Commander, Signas, stood relaying orders to the Navigators. It was time for cleanup duty after all.

When X entered, everyone went silent for a moment, eyes raking over him. He probably didn’t look the best right now but honestly, X didn’t care. Everything would go back to normal tomorrow anyway.

Signas walked over to the Azure Hunter, his eyes unreadable and his posture almost timid, like X was a fragile and frightened creature that would shatter if spoken to just so.

“Ah, Squad Leader X. I wasn’t sure if you got the message, but you and Squad Leader Zero are released from duty for the next week. Feel free to,” Signas paused, gesturing with his hands at his own chest, “recover however you need. The hunters are all here for you.” He finished as he found the words he was looking for.

X simply nodded, a near silent “thanks” slipping from his lips before he turned and walked out. Hunters in the halls said hello and called out words of comfort, all of them tip-toeing around him as if one wrong word would break the already broken android.

He wished they’d stop. He wished they’d treat him like they normally do, because then everything would be right, right? Nothing will have changed, and he could finally respond to that message, and go to Dr. Cain’s house for dinner.

Except he couldn’t. He could never go back. 

That thought alone caused the gasping to return, and it was all X could do to make it to somewhere isolated before his gasping became too loud. Still no tears fell, but his chest rose and fell rapidly, as if the air around him wasn’t enough to fill the growing void in his chest.

X covered his mouth as a small wail left him, trying desperately to muffle the sound, as if giving the grief nowhere to go would stop it from happening. Keep it locked up, don’t let your emotions get the best of you, keep it quiet so no one knows just how sad you are.

Pretend it isn’t happening and maybe you’ll wake up from this nightmare.

It was all X could do to keep functioning, sitting against the wall in some closet he had wandered into, breathing heavily and staring off into the middle distance.

That was how Zero found him. How he had managed to track him down, X wasn’t sure, but he looked up to see the Crimson Hunter standing in front of him, his eyes filled with some nameless emotion.

“Ah, Zero! Sorry, I didn’t realize you were here, I figured you were off doing your own thing.” X’s voice sounded foreign to him, but he still acted like everything was fine, like his crush and best friend hadn’t found him crouched in a closet hyperventilating.

“I’ve been looking for you, are you alright? You tried to contact me yesterday but…” Zero trailed off, looking down at his hands for a moment before looking back up at X.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, I’m alright.” X smiled but it didn’t feel right on his face, his voice muffled and far away to his own ears.

Zero saw right through his lie, watching him for a moment.

“What’s going on X, you’re freaking me out.” Zero’s voice was almost a whisper, his golden hair framing his face as his eyes sparkled in concern.

X’s face fell for a moment before he forced it into a mask of neutrality. 

“Dr. Cain...passed away yesterday.” X didn’t see in front of him, his eyes lost in fog as he finally spoke the words he refused to admit to himself. Dr. Cain was gone.

Zero said nothing for a moment, processing the news in his own way. He wasn’t as close to the old man as X was, but still considered him a friend. Glancing back up at X, he saw just how far away he seemed.

X’s gasps were returning, the android willing them into stillness as best he could, a few strangled breaths still managing to wiggle their way past his lips.

Without words, Zero stepped forward and embraced X, pulling him into his chest and holding him there. X noted, how had he not seen it before?, that Zero was dressed in casual clothes too.

It definitely made it easier to grab onto Zero as he leaned into the hug.

The two androids didn’t say anything, X still feeling numb and timeless as Zero ran one hand through his inky black hair. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fully process the good Dr.’s passing, but someday he’d be able to breathe again.

X just wished this would all not be real, and that he would wake up from this nightmare.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a little out of the usual stuff for me, I don't typically write stuff like this. But I kind of needed to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere, and this is the best place I could.  
> I lost my grandmother to Covid-19 two days ago. I was the first grandchild, and while we weren't the closest, I still loved her and cared about her. She was one of the only ties to my native family that I had, and as I got older, we grew closer. 
> 
> A few of the story beats I added here are direct references to things I am experiencing right now. The message and invite to dinner are things that I did. I never answered her text, and when I was last in my home state, she invited me to dinner and I turned her down. I regret that so so much. I have gasping fits where I can't breathe, but I also can't cry. I still haven't cried except for one tear when I was told. I live on the other side of the country now, so I haven't seen her in two years. She last texted me to tell me she loved me and hoped I was staying safe with Covid. It's hard to put into words just how much guilt and grief I feel over this, and I'm still not quite processing exactly what happened. It was very sudden, I found out she was sick Sunday night and she passed at 4AM on Monday morning. 
> 
> I just, needed to talk about her, without bothering anyone. And I can't talk about her IRL because the words just won't come to me. I feel numb and lost. I don't know maybe thats too much for notes on a sad fic. Regardless though, thats what inspired this, and I'll try not to disappear for a while. My other story will still be updated, and I'm still writing some of my other stuff to post too. Just had to get this off my chest, thanks guys.


End file.
